Perimenopause - Week one of HRT

I said I’d write another blog so here I am attempting to put words worth sharing onto paper…..or rather my phone! I miss pen and paper days. Another sign that I’m getting older.

So, I went to see my GP last week and was diagnosed as being in perimenopause and prescribed HRT patches. I’ll not publicly share my experience with the doctor but lets just say that if I didn’t know my own mind and body as well as I do I might not have left with any kind of solution. Fortunately I knew to expect this. Stand your ground ladies!

For the first couple of days I got what I’d describe as a placebo response to the patches. It gave me a boost to know that things were on the up and a huge relief to start to talk about how I’d been feeling. Then I hit a wall. Placebo wore off and I probably have been in an even darker place ever since. Talking about it opens up truths that can’t hide. Feelings can only be suppressed for so long. Pretence has its limits. Reality sometimes sucks.

I‘ve been reflecting a lot and realise how crap the past 12 months have been. How much I’ve struggled to keep my head afloat and how much time I’ve spent putting a brave face on. How many situations that should have brought me joy have actually made me feel horrendous. Then there’s the guilt for not appreciating these situations and occasions. Gratitude is all well and good but let’s not pretend life is a fairytale and that practicing gratitude conquers all. Sometimes no matter how much you want to feel gratitude, be appreciative, feel joy, you just can’t. You have to feel that to understand it.

It‘s also surprised me how many people have said that they’re shocked I’ve felt that way because I’m such a positive person. Let’s just clarify that there’s a difference between ‘being’ positive and ‘feeling’ positive. Yes, most of the time I act in a positive way. That doesn’t mean I always feel positive though. Actions and feelings don’t run on a parallel.

I‘ve been told to expect some possible changes within a few weeks and more noticeable results in about 3 months. That’s if I’m on the right medication and the right dose. I’ve heard some really positive stories of woman feeling significantly better within a few months and others who have had to make a few tweaks before getting there. I’ve started the process of finding a treatment though so I’m a step ahead of where I’ve been until now.

I still feel that I’m losing the plot just now. I do deep down believe (and want to believe) perimenopause is what I’m experiencing, but what if it’s not? What if I’m just not as able and capable and as strong as I used to be? That’s a scary prospect. Can anyone else relate to this?And I REALLY hate having yet another label to my name. I’ve been diabetic for 16 years and still don’t identify as a ‘diabetic’. I‘ve never once been part of a diabetic support group (stubbornness on my part) and I just can’t bring myself to join any menopause support groups either. Instead I go into my cave because it feels easier to be there. The ironic thing is that my cave also makes me feel worse. But, again, writing this feels like therapy. I’d struggle to say these words out loud but writing them is easy.

I had no idea what direction this blog was going to go in but I guess that’s the beauty of it. My blog my words my feelings. I can’t express how much I appreciate the response to last weeks blog and the messages I received were more than touching.

For the time being I’m working on self care and trying to be kinder to myself. I’m not prepared to pretend I’m fine when I’m not anymore. I‘ll compromise myself as little as possible as I’m the one that has to pick up the pieces. I don’t expect anyone to understand unless they actually do.❤️